


Dungeon Module Q1

by Kryptaria



Category: Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game), James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: Dungeons & Dragons, Gen, Humor, Slash if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-23
Updated: 2014-05-23
Packaged: 2018-01-26 05:26:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1676396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kryptaria/pseuds/Kryptaria
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is what happens when you let two nosy Double O's help you move your flat. Labelling the box <i>Do Not Open</i> is probably asking for trouble, especially when the box is full of your old D&D gear.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dungeon Module Q1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AstraKiseki](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AstraKiseki/gifts).
  * Translation into Русский available: [Модуль Q1](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6354163) by [Christoph](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Christoph/pseuds/Christoph)



> An unbetaed prompt ficlet written during a migraine. I blame AstraKiseki, who requested: **How about Q trying to run a tabletop game for James?**

_ Three days earlier: _

“What in God’s name is a Queen of the Demonweb Pits?”

“Is that a crab?”

“Bugger the crab. The spider’s got a person’s head.”

“I marked that box _Do Not Open_ for a reason, gentlemen.”

“Here I thought it’s where you kept your dirty magazines.”

“What’s this Q1 at the top? I thought you’re called Q for Quartermaster.”

“A recent, happy coincidence.”

~~~

_ Present day: _

“You’re certain you want to start here?” Q asked, long fingers caressing the age-worn purple cover. “This adventure starts at level ten, you know.”

“It’s spiders,” Bond protested, ignoring the prickle of alarm that crept up his spine. “What’s so bad about spiders?”

For some reason, the question set Tanner on a coughing fit. Eve helpfully thumped his back.

“Now, we don’t have enough players, so I’ll be assisting, playing one of your clerics,” Q continued as he got up to get some tea. He’d taken over the whole end of the conference table, shielding it from sight beyond a cardboard screen covered with images of improbably-armoured people — at least, Bond _assumed_ they were people — fighting even more improbable monsters.

“I’ll take the other,” Tanner said at once.

Q filled his mug and gave everyone a questioning look. “Tea? No? All right, I’m also scaling back the encounter difficulty.”

“No need to go easy on us,” Alec announced.

Tanner shot him a glare and gave a frantic little shake of his head.

Q’s smile turned positively evil.

Bond began to wonder if they were being set up.

~~~

“Iago, you have in your hand a platinum egg,” Q said, addressing Tanner. “The Council of Nobles is concerned that the egg is cursed —”

“Can’t we just break it?” Bond interrupted.

Before Q could answer, Tanner yelped, “No! Go on, Q.”

“They’re concerned that it’s been cursed by Lolth the Demon Goddess —”

“Wait, don’t I have a thing to _remove_ curses?” Alec interrupted.

“I can open it,” Eve offered. “Is it like a Faberge egg, with a lock? I have lockpicks on my list.”

“We’re all going to die,” Bond predicted.

~~~

“Wait,” Eve said. “There are _how many layers_ to this Abyss?”

“Six-hundred sixty-six,” Q answered calmly.

“Buggering fuck.”

~~~

“Oh, let me talk to her,” Bond said confidently. “I’ve got — look here, thirteen Charisma. Women like that sort of thing.”

Tanner slumped in his chair. “Drow priestesses —”

“By all means, James,” Q interrupted sweetly. “What would you like to say to her?”

~~~

“What in _hell_ is a — What did you call it?”

“A jackalwere? Think of a werewolf, only with jackal traits and a hefty dose of ‘we’re fucked’,” Tanner explained.

~~~

“Are we certain this isn’t a drinking game? I think this is a drinking game,” Alec declared.

“If it’s not, it should be,” Eve agreed.

Q smiled. “Really, I was running these games when I was _twelve_. Would you all like to give up already?”

“No. Let’s just move to a bar,” Bond insisted.

“If you insist.”

~~~

_ “Wait!” _

Everyone looked across the booth at Eve, who had a triumphant grin not at all diminished by the shots of whiskey she’d consumed.

“I’ve got it!” She slapped her character sheet down on the table. In one corner, she’d doodled a fairly good likeness of herself, only with long, pointy ears. “I’m _female._ ”

“As James can confirm,” Alec agreed, probably because he was at the opposite side of the booth and out of arm’s reach from her.

She bared her teeth. “I convert to Loth. Lol. Lolth. Whatever. She’s now my goddess, and you’re all buggered.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Tanner said. “I’m in.”

“You can’t. Loth only takes _female_ worshippers.”

Tanner picked up his character sheet. “See that? That’s an F. Female.”

Eve gaped at him. “But — you’ve got a _beard_.”

“Dwarf. Don’t dwarf women have beards? I read Tolkien.”

“You named your dwarf clericess _Iago?_ Isn’t that cheating?” Alec asked.

“Silence, insolent male,” Eve said, waving a fork at him in a vaguely threatening manner. “As priestesses of Loth —”

“Lolth,” Q corrected.

“Yeah, her. I’m ordering those spider-guys —”

“Driders.”

“— to slaughter those two males, in the name of...”

“Lolth,” Tanner said helpfully.

“Right. So us girls win,” Eve said, throwing her arm around Tanner’s shoulder.

“They’re cheating,” Alec accused, snatching at the little pewter, paint-chipped figure that represented Eve’s thief-turned-priestess.

Eve jabbed at his hand with her fork.

Q rescued his precious, vintage module from the chaos that followed.

~~~

And because James helped him escape without losing any dice, Q told him, later that night, “I’ll let you reroll another paladin. We’ll just start at level one next time.”

“Next time?”

“We now have a standing game, Saturday afternoons through Sunday. Barring missions, of course.”


End file.
